


The Apple of my Snake

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, Inspired by Fanart, Not sure if it will have a happ ending, They get together real quick btw no worries, i guess, sorry folks, yall know that art with voldy giving heart eyes to medusa?, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 11:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22495150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Lord Voldemort is rather desperate to get his romantic life back in shape, and the app "Tinder" might be just the thing to help him find love. With a few unsolicited dick pics along the way, of course.
Relationships: Medusa/Voldemort
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3
Collections: Anonymous





	The Apple of my Snake

**Author's Note:**

> the one who sent me the fanart- this is your fault. live with the guilt that you made me do this. ily tho
> 
> enjoy this thing :)

To say that he was desperate was an understatement.

Look. He didn't understand social media. He didn't get the Twitters and the Facebooks, or the Instagrams and the Snapchats. The only reason he knew that there was such a thing as "Tinder" was because of Snape and Malfoy whining about how people these days had it so much easier in finding romantic partners than they had.

When Snape finally gave him a phone to be able to actually communicate with Death Eaters that went undercover in Muggle infested areas, with the app "Tinder" included... Well...  
He had to give it a shot after all the talk from Snape and Malfoy.

As it is, it's not easy balancing being the Dark Lord and a romantic life. No one wants to really sleep with him, or even think of going on a date, just because he's too "edgy" or "terrifying", or whatever they call him.

So, with the reluctant help from Snape, he was able to set up an account. And with that, he also had to share information... About himself? "So that... Potential partners can find out what you're into, or not," Snape told him, "It's not that complicated, my Lord." Alright then. 

Likes. His likes? Why does it matter anyway? He only really likes three things, doesn't he? Nagini is wrapped around his shoulders, so he nuzzles her scales. Snakes is the first one. Magic is the second, of course, and death comes in third. One of his favourite past times is killing Mudbloods and blood-traitors. What's more to it than that?

His preferences in gender? Why does gender matter? He's the bloody Dark Lord, he doesn't need one, and it does not matter what gender his partner is. He's got more pressing concerns than that. All options it is then.

After all of that was dealt with, he had attributed to the process of "matching" by "swiping right" on any face that caught his fancy. Snape had advised him to look more carefully at their profile, for you never know who you could interact with. He knew that Snape refrained himself from warning him about something, but he didn't specify, so he didn't ask. The Dark Lord didn't need any warning, thank you very much.

At first, he got a few matches. All those people who ended up in a conversation with him were curious about Nagini, or the fact that he... Does not have a nose. All of those people had apparently ignored the "death" part of his likes, for when he steered their conversation towards that topic, they immediately left, and never returned.

He had even gotten a few "dick pics" as they are called, from some gentlemen that had thought he would be interested in the naked mole rats that they called their cocks, but he made sure to make them learn a lesson by sending some Death Eaters on the acrid souls who did such thing. Let's just say, that after those "meetings" they never messaged back. Or, in some cases, went missing.

So, after he had put "death" first on his likes, along with magic, he passed the time by swiping right without really thinking at this point. Why did it matter now.

And time passed. And passed. And... passed.

Days without a match came one after the other. He went on the app almost daily, swiped right with as many people he could, but never got a match in return.  
Some days he would mindlessly swipe without even looking twice, but one day when he saw Snape on it, and almost swiped right, he realised that he should probably take more care.

The only person that truly caught his eye at one point was a woman, dressed in a beautiful emerald green dress and an ivory shawl over her head, with a matching pair of sunglasses framing her blood-red smirking lips. The most peculiar thing out of the picture, which in turn had piqued his interest, was the scaly green skin of her face and neck.  
He swiped right, not even looking at the name.

More days passed without a match, and by this point he was ready to give in. He clearly wasn't going to get anyone interested in him any time soon, so he decided to delete the damn thing.

And just as he was about to click the 'uninstall' button, a notification popped up.

_Tinder - A Match was found!  
Medusa Apathia  
1 new message_

Well, that's interesting.

He immediately clicked on his inbox, and saw the 'typing' button pop up. He clicked on the conversation and waited, curiosity getting the best of him.

stonecoldsnake: hi there!! Im so happy ive found another snake lover!! The one in your pic is such a beautiful specimen I have to say!  
stonecoldsnake: not only that, it seems we have other things in common!! Magic and death? Honey, sign me up to you, for I am quite intrigued ;)  
stonecoldsnake: oh goodness, im sorry if that was too straightforward !!! I just think youre intriguing already haha!!!

Well. That's cute.

the.dark.lord: You are not wrong, my Nagini is quite beautiful, and even more so in person. :)  
the.dark.lord: And, to be honest, you have caught my interest as well. Death and magic are some topics I am quite passionate about, and not many share that passion. 

And so, that's how it started. 

For the past few days they had been texting each other non-stop. The two of them seemed to have a lot more in common than they thought, and always had a topic to talk about and some funny, or horrific stories to tell. Not only were both of them interested in magic, death, and a very strong love for snakes, but they also seemed to bond over the numerous types of wine, people not understanding them and their ideals, and history. It was peculiar, talking to someone like this after so many years, but it felt nice. And when some of their conversations went towards the flirty side... Well... He felt almost.... Desired again. 

The second day into their texting was when he finally got to see her face. He had asked for a picture of her snakes, whom she had been gushing about the previous day while he had also talked about Nagini, and had indeed delivered one. And yet, he was not prepared to truly face her beauty in that picture. 

Alongside the text " _and pls do note, this is not a costume :( people seem to not believe me when i say that :((_ " a picture was attached, and it would be a huge understatement to say that he had just merely blushed at it. 

It was a normal selfie, considering all things, and it was a selfie of her; all green skin, red eyes, and beautiful sharp smirk- to which he already knew he was gone for- and all along her collarbones and neck were a dozen or more snakes, that were all protruding from her scalp, and looking at the camera and around as if they had been dozing off on a warm rock. 

He was entirely mesmerized, and soon after he received that picture he started to feel his heart slide down a tunnel of long-forgotten feelings. Oh, and how foreign they were to him, after all this time. 

When the idea of a date first came up, he felt excited and terrified at the same time. Last time he was out on a date was back in his Hogwarts years, and even back then he didn't think of it as a real date. It was a meeting with a fellow student whom he had no feelings for, but he needed it to keep up the popular boy facade he was wearing at the time.  
He was excited at the idea of finally meeting this beautiful lady, whom he had been pining for for the past few weeks, but was terrified at what she would really think of him once they met. 

The Dark Lord does not have self-image issues. He is not self-conscious, and he does not care about the opinions of others about his looks or personality. 

But this wasn't just anyone. It was Medusa, the woman who had been calling him cute and sent good morning and goodnights text to him when least expected; who sent him snake pictures and videos when he was feeling frustrated with his Death Eaters, or with Harry Potter toiling up his plans. Pictures could be deceiving. He knew that. But she brushed it off, and told him that he would be just as handsome, if not even more so, in person. 

So, he immediately agreed upon the date. The two struggled with finding an appropriate time, date, and location due to their busy schedules. But, in the end, they found a Friday were both of them could meet, and they talked excitedly about what they would eat then. 

Walking along the empty cobbled street of Diagonally, seeing all the windows shut, doors get locked, and shop owners bolt away in a panic made him feel even better. As he stepped through the Leaky Cauldron, and out into the London streets, he walked confidently towards his destination, his Notice-Me-Not charm working perfectly as he threw snarls and grimaces at the people around him. 

He, as it is, hated everything that had to do with Muggles and their cultures. He hated their food, he hated their music, their clothes, their homes- everything about them was vile. But the darling Medusa seemed to have a liking for it, and such a strong stance on it that he should've gotten her killed by now. But, he didn't. He couldn't, not after he felt himself spiralling down this slope of unexpected feelings and affection. He just couldn't. He tried lying to himself at first, that maybe she would understand where he came from, but alas. 

He could make one tiny exception. 

So, he decided, he would indulge her. He accepted that they should meet at a muggle restaurant, a very luxurious one at that, and that they would be sitting at a private booth. Simple enough. They would also be meeting polymorphed first, so as to not raise too much suspicion. 

He opened up the doors to a beautiful building of dark wood and black stone, the sounds, smells, and warm colours of the inside surprising him as he went towards the reception.  
Using his old name was an odd thing, but it came to him as naturally as casting Avada Kedavra did. Though he loathed to admit it, he missed using his old name some times. But it was a thing of the past, it mattered no more. Just like using his old appearance solely for being able to blend in with all the others. That's all there was to it. 

It wasn't long before she arrived as well. He had already gotten quite comfortable, opening up a expensive bottle of wine, when the doors to the private booth opened, and he felt himself smile at her hurried pace. 

She was disguised as a dark-skinned woman, her head covered by a beautiful blood red shawl with golden details stitched into, and lucius dark brown locks flowing from beneath it. She was wearing a beautiful, flowing red dress to match, and black boots that went up to her thighs. She was quite a sight to behold, even like this, but he longed to see her green skin and red eyes instead of this... Stranger. 

Conversation flowed easily between the two of them, while they waited for the polyjuice effects to dwindle. She had apparently borrowed some hair from one of her friends after she had told her of her date, and she had, apparently, enthusiastically lent her some of her hair for a potion. 

"I don't go out too often, you see." she giggled nervously. She had been looking under his nose whenever she said something to him, but she had told him before that she didn't really like eye contact. "Head full of snakes can freak out people, even though they're the sweetest!" 

After about half an hour or less, the effects had started to wear off. He could see his pale and parched skin on his hands again, and he felt his nose "disappear", and suddenly- he felt shy. But it was nothing to worry about, as Medusa had immediately started squealing out of excitement and covered her cheeks with her hands, squishing them. 

"You're even more adorable than I imagined!" 

All his worries were thrown out of the window at that moment, and he felt himself relax as the two talked, until Medusa changed back to herself as well. Seeing her green skin and red eyes had made his heart go rabid, and he felt a flush overcome his face. The snakes had started to poke out from under her shawl, and they were all looking curiously at him. He recognized some of them, such as Athena, the thicker one at the front with a scar across her head. Then Artemis, Apollo, Hestia, and so on. 

The evening toom a turn for the best at that point, not hiding how they really looked liked seemed to ease of some tension that was in the air, and the two hit it off even better than before. They talked about anything and everything, they started sharing more about their pasts and present, about their hopes for the future, and about what they think of the current political climate in the Wizarding World. 

There was a slight frown on her face whenever he talked about his goals for a future war, and for successfully taking over the Ministry with the help of his Death Eaters, but he would find himself swaying the conversation away from those topics as fast as he could. 

By the time they finished the appetizers they had started to shily hold hands across the table, and slowly started to shift towards each other on the black velvet U-shaped couch they had been presented to. 

By the end of the second course the two were cuddling together, Medusa placing her head on his shoulder, and Voldemort tracing patterns with his fingers on her waist. It was all going perfectly smooth, and he felt a love-stricken smile come across his face as he watched her play with the whipped cream and cherries that came with the deserts. 

Love. That's a scary thought. 

The end of the evening seemed to come too soon for both of them, as the two were escorted by some Death Eaters in disguise to the back of the building, where he took Medusa by her hands and smiled at her. 

"Time to get you home, my dear." 

He could feel her claws dig in into his forearm, clutching onto him for dear life, as he Apparated the two of them away. With a pop, the two appeared near the location of her home, and he had to take her by the waist, as she felt her feet give up under the shock. He chuckled slightly, and smiled. He could feel the warmth radiating off of her, and he couldn't help but bring her closer to his body as he helped her regain her footing, and start towards her home. 

"I suppose it is time for me to depart, my dear. It was, again, a pleasure to dine with you." 

Medusa giggled, and swatted at his arm. "Still formal as ever, darling! I told you to drop that fancy-shmuck act. But, truly, it was my pleasure as well." She smiled at him, and it almost felt as if he was looking at the brightest star in the universe at that moment. His legs almost stopped cooperating with him, but he shrugged it off with a smile.  
The two stayed there, Voldemort looking into her eyes, and Medusa looking up at his forehead. And they waited. And waited. 

She cleared her throat and giggled nervously, the snakes around her slithering frantically to the back of her head and uncovering her face. There was a blush spreading on her cheeks, and she dropped her gaze down to his lips. 

"I do have, one last question before you depart, if that's ok." 

He cleared his throat, and his own eyes fell to her lips. Sharp teeth gnawing at her bottom lip, almost stuck out in a pout. Adorable. 

"Well, be my guest." he snapped his eyes back to her own, and waited. She took a step closer towards him, and the two were so close to one another that he could feel her breath on his neck. 

"If you could do one thing right now, with no consequences, what would you do?" 

He felt a shiver go down his spine at her low tone. It was unbearably attractive, and he felt his palms start to sweat. He looked down at her lips again, and he felt more than saw her breath catch. 

"I would kiss you." 

He felt her eyes stare holes into his skull as the silence between the two of them stretched on. He felt himself start to sweat under his clothes, and he thought that maybe he misinterpreted the situation. But then, her voice down to just a husky whisper, she said, 

"Then kiss me." 

And so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> not sure if it will have a happy ending or not, sorry folks
> 
> comments and kudos give me, what people might call these days, Döpamine. spare a few if u can lovelies


End file.
